I've been sick for a while, off and on for the last 6 weeks or so. I just keep getting worse and worse. I've decided being a mother does not necessarily go hand in hand with recuperating. Especially if said mother is the mother of baby pictured above (who doesn't believe in sleeping more than 45 minutes at a time after 2 AM even though he's tired). Moses used to be a champion sleeper but things have been going downhill since June. All this is made worse by the fact that now my cold has progressed and I can't breath very well (or at least I feel like I can't) when I lie down.
Also all my hair is falling out. Seriously. I have a balding patch right up there at the front.
And now Andreas is sick too.
My jaw hurts. I figured out that I've been clenching my teeth at night as I lay there trying to fall asleep and waiting for Moses to inevitably wake up.
This morning I cried. I cried when I nursed Moses at 6 AM. I cried when I held him as he went back to sleep. I cried when he woke up again 25 minutes later. I cried as I ate my breakfast. I cried when Andreas left for school. I cried when I called my mom to tell her about my poor sick/sleep deprived/balding state. I'm starting to tear up again just writing this.
I just needed to write this down. Shout it out- get it off my chest. I'm just keeping it real here (and maybe complaining a little bit too). I might regret posting this tomorrow. Do I really need to share my mundane complaints with the world? Will whoever reads this think I'm weak? A slacker? A bad mom? Will they know that I love my baby? That I think he's perfect? That I wouldn't trade him for the world? I just want more sleep. I need it. I don't know how much longer I can function without it honestly.
PS- before you say it...I try to sleep when Moses sleeps. Today so far he's taken three naps- each were about 15 minutes. I can't even fall asleep that fast.
PPS- We've tried just leaving him in his crib. He doesn't go back to sleep. He crawls around in circles and bangs his head against the railings because he's so tired he doesn't know what to do.
8 comments:
Try the book Eliza read - ask her for the title.
I think it worked for her.
I'm sorry Hester. And the balding just adds insult to injury. I go bald too after having babies. I remember crying in the shower as I pulled out handful after handful of hair. It's the worst. It does get better, I promise. And I agree with your grandma--check out some books if you haven't already. I've heard that some of them really do work wonders. Good luck, mama!
i'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to help. It will get better soon. Don't despair.
I'm sorry too. Oh I have been there many times.
Moses at night sounds like Lars before I gave up dairy. Just a thought. Not that you were asking for my opinion because I know you weren't. :) I personally was not convinced that nursing moms would ever have to give up certain kinds of foods, until this thing with Lars. What does your pediatrician think? In the past Phoebe has had to give up a variety of things like chocolate and nuts and dairy, to make her babies happier.
For sleeping, I have used Baby Wise with Lars with some success. It never worked with my other kids and I think that is partly because I didn't wake them up at the same time every day in order to have them on a nap schedule. Lars always sleeps better at night if he has woken up at his "usual" time in the morning. I definitely also don't believe everything Baby Wise says because based on my experience with Ida, I can't let my babies sleep 12 hours too young or my milk will start drying up, and trying to nurse when the milk just isn't there, that is even more stressful than waking up at night.
I don't like to rely on one single approach so I have also read Dr. Sears, Dr. Karp (Happiest Baby on the Block), Dr. Spock and The Baby Whisperer. And The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I think they all have some good ideas about sleeping, routines and nutrition.
It is especially hard to share a room with a baby. I have never been able to do it for long. I'm already wishing I had another place to put Lars besides my room, but I don't really. So we're stuck with each other.
Good luck. I agree with Betsy--it will get better.
Let's chat soon. I have been pretty overwhelmed with my own stuff so I have unfortunately not been a very good cousin. :(
By the way, to answer your questions: yes you do need to share your mundane complaints with the world, no I don't think you're weak or a slacker or a bad mom. This stuff is so freaking hard to figure out especially for the first time. Figuring out how to teach my kids to sleep was not the first or the last thing that I have cried over since becoming a mom.
By the way here is something awesome. Someday he will learn to sleep. And once in a while you will look in on him late at night and say out loud, "He is totally sleeping. I totally taught him how to do that. Because goodness knows he couldn't figure it out on his own." And you will be oh so proud that you gave him that gift.
I have said that to myself many times about Theo and Ida and I continue to feel very proud of myself. Sleep does NOT come easily to some kids!
Also, just wanted to amend my earlier comment, "I can't let my babies sleep 12 hours too young" should say "I can't make" them sleep, or shouldn't make them. Ida cried it out for 3 nights--maybe an hour or so each night. Maybe more. I don't remember, I was so desperate that I slept through the crying.
That's how she started sleeping through the night at age 6 months. It was too much too soon as exhibited by my nursing problems thereafter; but it did work.
awww sweet Hester!!! I wish I could come over and take Moses for an hour so you could get a decent nap!
Also, if it makes you feel any better, in a commiserating sort of way, I have a zillion grey hairs already and our baby hasn't even been born yet to stress me out!!! I don't even want to know what is going to happen with my hair once he is born ;-).
good luck sweet friend.
Lincoln had similar problems in his first few weeks, and it turned out he was just hungrier than my wife could produce. Once we started supplementing with formula he slept much better. But that's just our experience. He did still breastfeed after that, but not that much, though we were glad to sacrifice for the sanity...
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